Deployment Honesty: More is Better
By Kelly • Feb 16th, 2009 • Category: Communication, Featured, Relationships
I really felt it was important to know as much as possible about Mark’s deployment – both the good and the bad.
Yes… there were times when it was hard to move on with my day, see patients and pretend ‘life is great’ when I just heard from my husband that they were hit with an IED… but not to worry they should only be stranded for a day or two…
That being said, the more informed I felt, the more I could identify with what Mark was going through, and that helped me prepare to be strong for him when he came home.
I personally felt more was better, and thankfully I never felt like I was being taken by surprise when the ‘gossip ring’ hit. It made me feel like Mark and I were still a team even though I was at home and he was at war.
When it came to sharing ‘at home’ problems with Mark, I think I was probably much more guarded than he was in sharing with me. I made a conscious choice to handle things this way. People would say ‘but he needs to hear you and give you support.’ I disagree. I have people. I have my family, my battle buddy, my co-workers. They can console me. Mark had a lot on his plate and although I know he would have wanted to rescue me, there was nothing he could do for me from a world away.
He can’t take our infant to her doctor’s appointments; he can’t rescue me from the hospital when I am sick; he can’t heal me and the two kids when we have the flu at the same time and the three of us throw up together for a weekend; he can’t fix my new car when I take it into the shop…again. Did I share all of this with him? Of course. I just did it once it was resolved or I had an answer for him. My goal was to make him feel as close to us as possible. Personally, I felt that telling him every problem in my day only made him feel more separated from me… and, well, (my fear was) more guilty for leaving us. Two emotions I did not want him to experience.
I had it handled. Was it always the best policy? No. I suffered physically and mentally. I learned the hard way that if I wasn’t going to share with Mark, I still had to share with someone. You can’t do it alone. No matter how much you think you can…
Kelly is still struggling to break down the protective walls, barriers and self preservation habits I put up during Mark's deployment. Besides worrying about my husband's safety... the hardest part for me was being forced to gain complete independence, become the ‘leader’ of all things... and learning how to share my life again now that the deployment is over.
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