Before he left, Mark and I worried daily about how our children were going to be affected by the deployment. We weren’t as concerned about our relationship, and we prepared for how to handle issues at home, but we were very concerned about how Mark’s absence would affect our toddler son. Our daughter was fortunately (or unfortunately) only 8 weeks old when Mark left, so her life was virtually unchanged. Our son, however, was very worried about Daddy ‘going away’. He would ask questions that I didn’t expect from a 3-4 year old. He wanted to know specifics about ‘bad people’ and ‘guns’. He was also surprisingly worried about ‘other little boys and if Daddy would see them’. I don’t know if he overheard our conversations about the deployment or if he was simply perceptive… either way he was aware enough of the situation that it needed to be addressed.

I tried to use open communication with him. When tragedy hit, I explained that ‘Mommy was sad because Daddy lost a friend’. When I was stressed, I would tell him that I missed Mark. The key is using the right words at the right time. Was I always right? Probably not. But I Did do everything in my power to keep his world unchanged during the deployment.

Often, He would act out. When he was fed up with me giving all the discipline he would cry and say he wanted Mark. I used to think… ’so do I, kid’. But you can’t give in. You have remain in control as the adult. You have to be the strong one. You are your kids support system during the deployment. You help control and mold the outbursts.

We made attempts to keep our son involved in the deployment experience – talking on the phone with Mark, building his care packages, making picture collages for his room in Afghanistan – anything to help the time pass and to help him understand.

Now that Mark is back…he still acts out. He plays both sides. He asks me a question and if he doesn’t like the answer he asks Mark the same thing. But these are just kid things… testing the water. Sometimes, it is still hard to remind myself that I am the adult/parent. He is the four year old. All in all, he did great last year. But the battle continues every day – with our without a deployed soldier.

Read Kids of Deployed Parents Often Act Out
Read Discussing Danger With Your Kids