When and How to Address Their Fears

When a parent is deployed, kids may worry that mom or dad is in danger. It’s hard to know how honest to be about the situation. Rise VanFleet, Ph.D., President of the Family Enhancement & Play Therapy Center, says a worried child will usually ask questions and you should answer them honestly. “Be honest about the danger, because if you’re not and something was to go wrong, that can be really damaging to the relationship.”

VanFleet says children’s’ feelings are sometimes determined by how they see the adults around them deal with things. Tone is very important when you talk to your child – stay pleasant and matter-of-fact. “You can say ‘yes, some of the time mom or dad will be in a place that’s dangerous,’ But then say ‘Mom or dad has trained a lot and they really know what they’re doing. And they’re going to be with a lot of other people who also know what they’re doing and are going to work really hard to stay safe.'”

If possible, the best time to address your child’s concerns is before the deployment. Talk to them about the situation, and ask if they have any questions. Then be prepared to listen. “When kids express their worries, parents need to listen really well. Don’t respond right away – stay in listening mode and find out what they’re really asking about.”

After discussing danger with your child, VanFleet says conversations should shift to upbeat information like how you’re going to stay in touch with the deployed parent so your child has something positive to focus on.